Thursday, May 19, 2005

love's a funny thing

well, I solved my relationship problems in the most ridiculous way ever.
I asked him to live with me.
This from the girl who has never even felt comfortable enought to ask someone out 'because then he'd know I liked him'.
It's not actually as bad an idea as it sounds...... it was either take a step forward or end it, and as he's just about the only person in the world who doesn't make me spew venom, I couldn't really risk losing him. I told my best fdriend, and and she was excited, which is good, because most of my ideas make her go 'hmmmmm' in a doubtful, Marge Simpson kind of way. She's my conscience personifed.
JG and I sat down and were really, really honest with each other, we said that we didn't know if this was forever, and that we couldn't see what was coming, but that we'd give it our best shot anyway. It's quite amazing, but I've found someone who I think is worse the risking getting hurt for.
Jesus, I'm even making myself sick. Sorry.
He does piss me off sometimes too, he's given up smoking and now has this really annoying cough like a dog barking that he does every five minutes, his feet stink like no-one elses and he laughs too loud when he's drunk.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

makes me laugh

this is good for a laugh if you've got nothing better to do, I may have to rip it off and do a Brighton version........

what to do, what to do

Part of the reason I got a blog was because I like writing, and if I thought I was good enough, it's what I'd want to do for a living. The main reason was because I'm a very angry, mean person and I need to get it out of my system, or I snap, and say incredibly cutting things to the wrong people and then hate myself for it. Like the other day, some waiter, bless him, he was really young and very earnest, obviously new to the job 'cos he'd ironed his shirt and was talking to every customer for a stupid amount of time. I just sat down, dying for a coffee, because I hadn't had one for about 4 hours, which is a lifetime to me. I'd just come off a very, very long and trying shift, my hands were shaking from lack of caffine and I had a bruise on my face from where some cunt pushed me over in the street as he tried to run away from the guy whose car he'd just smashed up. The little lad was waffling on to me about how he was tired and hungry, and needed a rest, to me, sitting there, a quivering, battered shell of a woman. In my head i was thinking 'Oh, my heart just bleeds for you, it must be so hard challenging for you, having been here for all of an hour and working so very hard'. Except I didn't think it, I said it. Whoops. He shut up and got me a coffee pretty fucking fast after that though, so it was quite useful.
But I digress.
I find writing the most painful process ever. I can't read what I've written without tearing it up and wanting to pull my eyeballs out as well, as akind of punishment for the derivative, boring and pretecious bullshit that I've just spewed out on to the page. I can't even try and avoid this type of thing by writing about what I know, because what the fuck do I know? I'm not even that passionate about anything anymore, except slagging people off, which, actually, there is a market for. Hmmmm, something to bear in mind.
But just as I can pick holes in othere people, I can pick more holes in myself than anything else. And doing an English Lit degree has taught me to do this in an academic way and justify it with appropriate critical theory. It feels like everything I write has been ripped off someone else and that all fall into every pothole of pretension and generalization and wankerdom that comes before me. It'd take me a lifetime to negotiate my way round them, and I don't have the patience or the motvation to do it.
Guess I'll be a barmaid forever.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Two horse race....

Just as everyone has forgotten it, I thought I'd drag it up again 'cos I want to have my say too.
The election didn't really hold many surprises now did it? We all knew that Labour would win, because although the public has no faith in them, no-one can face the idea of that creepy, evil hypocritical twat Howard being in a position of power. He looks like the kind of guy who would use even a supervisor's position at McDonalds as a platform for him to launch an evil scheme for world domination.
But there, I've illustrated the exact thing that pissed me off about the last election. England is turning into a two party democracy, just like America (oooo, what a surprise), where opposing parties demonize each other to the extent that voters who are a bit more left or right wing than either of the main parties' policies allow for are so scared of the 'Other' that they don't dare vote for the candidate they really want.
Blair and Howard both based their campaigns on the idea that 'If you don't vote for me, you'll get that bad, bad man, and neither of us want that, do we?' The Lib Dems battle cry of 'The real alternative' sounded weak even to me, a person so misguided that I actually voted Green, and really thought the guy had a chance. (Although Keith Taylor did come pretty close, which is promising for the next time around, right? Right? God, I'm desparate)
It scares me, two party politics are so dangerous, especially as the policies really aren't that different are they? I'm not convinced by this idea of Labour and Conservative as opposites, to quote my mum, 'They're both as bad as each other'. I'm becoming increasingly convinced by the idea that both parties are actually the handpuppets of some big corporation, who are giving us he illusion of choice and autonomy so that we'll all spend more money on patio furniture. Or something.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I hate relationships

I fucking hate relationships.
OK, the falling asleep curled up together and the sex is nice, but everything else is shit and far too much like hard work.
As an almost reformed commitment-phobic (eight months and counting without a single 'it's not you, it's me' or 'i just need some space') I'm finding all this relationship stuff a bit of a challenge. I love the old chap, but we're at a stage where we're really comfortable, some might say dull, we trust each other and that nervous stomach-churning excitement which freaked me out has died down. This has brought a new \problem with it though, the future. We can talk about everything, except the future, but I know that he's thinking about it. What really unnerves me is that I'm in a position where I could hurt the person I'm with, it's never happened before, cos no one has been able to peel away the layers of bitch and actually love me before. It's like i'm holding his little, quivering heart in my hand and I could crush it by accident. I keep thinking of Blondie's Heart of Glass.
He's older than me, which makes it worse, because i keep getting this incredibly arrogant feeling that if things don't work out between us down the line, I'll leave him with nothing but microwave meals and porn, forever stuck on the shelf. That does him a total disservice though, because he's a catch, and deserves far better than me, and he's not that old.
What makes me worry is that if he does want the long term commitment that I really don't think that I can offer him, then I can't see any reason for us to stay together, it's just a waste of voth our time. I love him more than ever, but it feels like we're splitting up.

Monday, May 02, 2005

you do read this!

student politics seem to wind up everyone, not just me then..........
there are so many people to slag off at my university, that I'd run out of time, but probably not vitriol. So here follows, in no particular order, the top ten people I love to hate at university.....
  • The girl in one of my classes who is reading Emma Goldman's Living My Life (the diary of a nineteenth/early twentieth century anarchist feminist) because she 'really identifies with her struggle'
  • the whole fucking class who told me that I was racist when I suggested to them that perhaps not all black people thought the same way
  • the boy who said the three cultural concepts he identified with were 'communism, socialism and terrorism' whilst wearing brand new, £200 nike trainers.
  • everyone involved in the student media for turning it into a self-referencing cliquey piece of shit, only read by the people who write for it
  • every white guy with dreads and a poncho.
  • the girls who turn up for 9am lectures in january, wearing full make up, miniskirts, tits hanging out, bellys showing, but wearing a wooly scarf and hat, who then proceed to talk throughout the whole lecture.
  • the people who run the bar and have obviously never heard of line cleaner.
  • the people who write all over the desks in the library, 'shane was here, and bored', why? what is the fucking point? at least write something worth reading.
  • Gap year casualties, I know they kind of fit into the dreads and poncho group, but they are offensive for more then their appearance. To be identified by the copy of the bhagvad gita clasped in their hands, the smell of nag champa and the fact that they begin every sentence with 'When I was travelling in South-East Asia.....'. They like to think that they saw 'the real Asia' and go right off the beaten track, when in fact that got so fucked in their first week in Goa/Koh Samui on one pill/shroom/bhang lassi. that they spent the majority of their time glassy eyed and clinging on to the walls for dear life.
  • And last but not least, a certain, cynical bitch, who is a bit of a know-it-all, likes to say mean, possibly untrue (but probably true) things about anyone and everyone, and who rolls her eyes at everything......... ;/
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